What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:20
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was 9 years of age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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One cannot live in the past .
My life is so biszare .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Put me off passion for life!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What do you do when you are struggling to fall asleep?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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I said to her
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I will be 64.
We were not on the streets..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
So whats the point in blame.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was in good health!
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
My family never makes their pension either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She loved him until the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
I don,t even have a pension.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
All the time i was locked up.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was very sick at this time too.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
So, i spoilt her more .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I have no regrets .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.